For the few of you who 'chat' to me on a daily or at least, a frequent basis, you will have, no doubt, heard me refer to my so-called haven - my office. Thanks to the wonders of technology [and a very bored, overexcited, gadget freak of a doctoral student], you can now see what it looks like. Ta daaa...

I am now the proud owner of a Nikon Coolpix 2100. And here you can see my first ever picture taken using my new baby. Will say more once I've had enough of this new gadget for today.

Bank Holiday Monday, and I am busy tapping at my keyboard looking for journal articles. The rest of England may be reclining in their deck chairs, but not the majority of PhD students here. No rest for the wicked, it seems.

So instead of spewing the usual rhetoric; here's a stocking filler of a song, till next time.

If you could only see - Tonic

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do

If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size
Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do

If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

Seems the road less traveled
Show's happiness unraveled
And you got to take a little dirt
To keep what you love

That's what you gotta do
Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't
You're stretching out your arms to something that's just not there
Sayin' you love where you stand
Give your heart when you can

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do

If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't
Sayin' you love where you stand
Give your heart when you can

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about or love
And what I must do

I would be lying if I said I am not somewhat rattled with all the suicide bombing and terrorist attacks going on. On the one level, I support the Palestinian cause and I am more than aware of the Muslim struggle and frustrations. I don't believe bombs, killings and terrorism will solve this problem; because killings breed more killings and it's a vicious circle. In no way do I see how these bombings will make a difference in US Foreign policy.

On another level, I am also aware that the US and Israeli governments in general are making light of the whole matter in a sense that they know they have the power and the ability to ignore such bombings. The Israeli army have used violence against Palestinians since forever; their government aren't committed to the so called Road Map to Peace in the Middle East; maybe only with such bombings will they stand up and listen. It's a long shot - but it seems whatever terrorism network that is at play right now, it seems they are experimenting with how far they can push things. Will the leaders listen? Chances are they won't, because government leaders are a protected lot with bodyguards, and it's the average Joe on the street that gets their life snuffed out of them by a random car bomb or suicide bomber - about whom they could care less.

So on a personal level, yes, I'm quite scared. There is fear that somehow stops me from walking down the High Street without being apprehensive and tentative. I mean, these bombs will go off not where the leaders are, but where you and me tread. Cafes, community centres. Maybe night clubs - I'm not too worried about that because I don't go to such places. But cafes or shops - I do frequent.

And then there are the aeroplanes. I want to be able to go home at some point in the near future without worrying for 12 hours that a bomb might go off or that there'd be hijackers on board. I am unstable as it is; I don't need more reasons to be sedated, thank you very much. What do I do? Send an email to the alleged bombers and ask them to spare the flight I'm on?

Because these bombs don't choose who they kill; and neither do these bombers. They don't do a scan of the area to see if there are sisters or brothers there and not detonate if we are. If it goes off, it goes off. I could be in Sainsbury's doing my weekly shopping for all I care; given that Sainsbury's has Jewish connections - but there aren't any supermarkets in the UK without an American or Jewish connection, are there? Should I just stay in my room and do nothing, then? Twiddle my fingers and hope groceries shop themselves?

I was planning on posting the second piece here today, but it's been a long day; and tomorrow is even longer. 3 tutorials in the morning followed by a good 3 hour's worth of invigilation in the afternoon = Thursday is still the worst day of the week. So I am going to call it a night early, get up early tomorrow, have lethal doses of coffee and get to work.

"Let not the strutting about of the unbelievers through the land deceive thee: Little is it for enjoyment: Their ultimate abode is Hell: what an evil bed (to lie on)! " Surah Ali Imran, 196-197

I actually have two things I've been wanting to talk about; two full-fledged articles, if you will. One was supposed to be constructed and posted up here yesterday, and the other came by as I was reading through the newspapers today. But last night I was busy with erm.. other things.. and never got round to properly constructing an entry. By midnight I was tempted to put in a cryptic link as a posting and basically saying.. go figure.. but I vetoed myself.

Chances are I'll put one of the two up today; and if time really permits, I can put both up.

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Private Jessica Lynch, the army clerk turned Prisoner of War during the War against Iraq, commands a place in American folklore, it seems. She is being hailed as a hero, despite not doing much except being involved in an accident and being caught by the opposition army. Okay, so maybe I am trivialising the horror and fear that she went through - her being proclaimed a hero was more of a reference to her will to survive in the uncertain world of captivity rather than her actions that made a difference to the war.

It is actually raining cats and dogs outside. Brilliant! I love the rain - I must have the window open, even if it means an extra layer on for me. So calming, so tranquil.

Was pretty much occupied yesterday. We had a Maulidurrasul majlis at the university mosque - organised by the Malaysian community here but we invited people from all walks of life. It was nice to see people actually taking the effort to come to our little corner of England, even though the weather wasn't as cooperative. I find it a bit ironic that the last time we held an event, it was mid-March and the weather was good enough for me to be walking around campus in just my baju kurung. I had to fish out my long black coat yesterday.

I spent the morning making the Maulid booklet - my apologies to anyone who is reading this and got a dysfunctional booklet. The copier toner was running out on some of the pages, hence the faded print; and as for the stapling, well.. it was a rush job, I admit. Running a one (wo)man printing outlet isn't as easy as it seems. I just ran out of time and had to rush. My apologies again. The good news is, I still do have the prototype, so I could easily just make a better copy some time later - perhaps for next year.

I've always found that I tend to be more religiously aware when I am away from home - and as such yesterday's majlis was more well received on a spiritual level. I tend to be a lot more complacent when I am at home; I neglect the Quran and I choose to be somewhat ignorant of what's happening to Muslims worldwide. Not a good thing, I know, so perhaps there's another thing to add to the list of things I should strive to improve. Religion, after all, is not a part-time job; and Allah looks after me regardless of where I am, even when I forget about Him.

We had a Qasidah and Marhaban to mark the Maulidurrasul; it would have been better for me if I understood what was being read, of course, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. In fact, for the first time I actually regretted succumbing to my anger and effectively ignored the Arabic lessons back at school. [For once, the anger was not directed at my dad, but at the ustazah who from day 1 chose to single me out as the poster child for all things screwed up and unhinged. I never had a chance.] The session was led by Ustaz Muhd Afifi who is based at the Oxford Centre for Islamic Studies.

He led a brief discussion of the history behind the Qasidah we were reading that day, and his point about the Islamic scholars of the yesteryears struck a chord with me. Islamic scholars of yesterday were not only well versed in the matters of Islamic thought and theology, but also secular disciplines like mathematics and the sciences. I am striving to be an expert in matters of corporate governance - but will I ever achieve the same level of perception and scholarliness in Islamic-related areas? Maybe not in this lifetime.

Or maybe perhaps, it is possible, but it would take a whole shift in the paradigms of life that I am living right now. Would I be ready to make such a sacrifice? I can't say that I am. Entrenchment is very much a debilitating affliction.

But the Ustaz's discussion has renewed my interest in Islamic history. Had I not been constricted within the confines of getting a scholarship for my tertiary education, it could have been Islamic history and political science that I may have studied. But I was too focused on going abroad, going overseas to 'find myself', so to speak, and so here we are today. Perhaps I should start investing in a nice reading chair and start borrowing books from the library.

My only regret is that the bulk of the Islamic history books I have found aren't written by Muslims. Have we no sense of history, or are we just too focused on making a difference in the future by ignoring the lessons of our past? [Or perhaps we just have an Islamophobic librarian?]

"Under pressure". The pullout of the tabloid section of yesterday's Independent said in bold white letters [font Arial Narrow, perhaps?]. Has the exam treadmill become too much for our children? The subheading asked, urging me to turn to page four for more. "Pupils now take more than 100 exams and tests in their school years", the byline shockingly read. "What? Over 100 exams?" screamed the hypothetical, right-wing Independent reader.

I've got pretty much a love-hate relationship with someone who is very important in my life. I know there is a lot of love between us, but because we are both people who would never let our guards down, we would never really admit this.

How do I know he loves me? By the little things that he seems to do when he thinks I'm not looking. When I am going through a 'hate' phase with him, someone will conveniently tell me that he did that for me, or said that about me; all without my knowing, and almost always it will make me melt. Even at the most intense levels of our disputes, I can't be mad at him for more than half a day.

How do I let him know I love him? I don't know if he knows, but I do try and show it in every little thing I do. Saying yes to his little requests, sometimes menial; making conversation even when I know I have nothing to say, trying do to things that make him proud; trying to do what's right.

Amazingly, after all these years, we still play little games with each other. Trying to impress the other with our achievements, however little or big. I guess he does feel proud, eventhough he would never show it openly with me. And goodness knows, I am so proud of him.

We've had our tough times; trying desperately to see reason with each other; trying to force our respective ideals down each other's throats. It's because we're too alike, another special someone told me. Now mostly we try to agree to disagree. He accepts that I have a different set of values to his, and we try and work things out. Even when we aren't seeing eye to eye, we try not to let too many things get in the way. Life is too short.

It's refreshing. It's adult. It has given me such a different perspective on life. And sometimes, when confusion reigns, knowing that he loves me unconditionally despite all that I am helps puts things into context.

Why blog?

No seriously, what really motivates people like you and me to actually have a blog and operationalise it?

Because having a blog is pretty serious business, as I found out. I guess it depends too on what kind of blogs people have - some of us treat our blogs as a diary, chronicling our trials and tribulations and everyday life. Some blogs showcase a repertoir of the artist's talents - prose, poety, photography, art. Others tend to lean towards social commentary; writing on what they observe and what they feel about certain issues. And then there are those that are a mix of everything.

I've found that blogs are quite an interesting way for me to get my opinions across. And yes, I seem to have an opinion about everything. It's also a good outlet for me when I need to vent; although I must admit there are things that even I keep off my blog - things that strictly go into an offline journal, if you will.

There is also a certain amount of responsibility that comes into blogging, especially when you are putting out information. I always do a bit of research before I put down statements of facts; because I don't want to mislead whoever it is that reads these entries. Blogging is almost like what it was when I was doing a bit of journalism on the sly when I was an undergraduate - granted with blogging I get more leeway about what I get to write, but either way l feel I have a responsibility of getting my facts right.

It's easy for us to to think we can spew almost anything because it's our blog and we can do whatever we want; but the Internet is home to information. And it is virtually accessible by everybody, so sometimes we've got the make sure we know what we're saying. I have yet to hear about a libel suit against a blogger, but I'll leave it to the Americans to sort that one out.

I find it somewhat beneficial and credible if you try to gain a reputation of being an informed or at least well researched blogger rather than just spewing rhetoric, especially when it is social issues or current affairs that we are talking about. I don't rate random conspiracy theories, blind hatred or emotional outbursts, especially when responding to a current issue, very highly, I guess. Conspiracy theories, blind hatred and emotional outbursts that come out of life as you are living it, however, makes intriguing reading..

And the exposure is good. I kind of enjoy it when people read the stuff I write and say something about it. Perhaps that's the exhibitionistic streak in me; needing to be visible and all that - why else would I have done part time work as a journalist if not for the thrill of seeing your byline in print - [yes, that is just the least of my personality disorders] - but it opens up new avenues to discussions and what not as well. And you make friends too.

Blogs also tend to show a person in a different light - sometimes it could make one out as being serious or fickle or opinionated or blase; where as in real life most of us bloggers are 'human', really.. to borrow a phrase from someone I know. It's also interesting to see how people think, as opposed to their outward persona - and I think to a certain extent, at least as far as the blogger allows, blogs allow such an insight. So if you've got a friend with a blog, give it a read. You may just be surprised to see how different they seem to come accross as.

It seems as if the confusion has washed over; today I woke up feeling a lot less confused, a tad more focused, and generally, I think my brain has now stopped refusing to cooperate. Things have taken their normal vicious cycle and as evident in the past, there is not much that I can do but to wait for things to tide over. And they have, in a way.

Does this mean all is well? Knowing myself, probably not. I don't know if things will ever be okay. But I also know things like this can be weathered, and the more times I get through it, the more I'll get used to it, up to a point where it'll probably just numb me up. Which is just as well.

So today I got up, got dressed a bit proper. We're going to a seminar in Manchester this afternoon, and I thought, might as well make the effort to put something decent on. I ironed a shirt, put on one of my nicer tudungs and voila - feeling better already. Makes a nice change from my usual 'grab whatever t-shirt I can find' routine.

I am actually thankful that it is matters like this that Allah gives me as a test; because I know this I can handle. It is confusing as hell, it can push me to the edge, but I know I can handle it. There are more tests out there that I'm not quite sure I can survive just as well - so really even in times of adversity there are things to be thankful about. After all, in Surah Al Baqarah [286]: Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope.

Let's illustrate how much of a warped state my brain is in at the moment. For the first time in 25++ years, today - or perhaps late yesterday afternoon, really, I managed to lose my wallet. As in, really lose it, not just merely misplacing it in the dumps that are my office and my room or somewhere thereabouts. Now this feat, I have never managed to achieve in all my years, until yesterday. Quite proud of myself, I must say. Not.

My wallet is really a sorry excuse for a wallet - it is actually one of those blue plastic railcard holders that come with the Young Persons Railcard that we students here all have. It doesn't even have a proper lock on it or anything - it just has three compartments which holds cards and it can fold up into the size of one card. Which is what's cool about it, because it fits nicely into my jeans. Lots of students either use this, or the NatWest one which comes with our Switch cards. It's easy and practical for people on the move.

Every time before I go anywere, I check for three things in my jeans. Keys in front-right pocket, wallet in back-right pocket, mobile phone in back-left pocket. I don't know what warp zone my brain was in yesterday, but I didn't really think to check my pockets when I left the office. I changed at the mosque, left my knapsack there and went for a run. Finished running half an hour later, took my knapsack and went home. Had dinner, watched TV and thankfully the exhaustion sank in pretty early and I was asleep. It's good to finally be able to just pass out sometimes.

Sangkelate's tag about Liverpool being a team sponsored by Carlsberg reminded me of something I've been meaning to do for quite a long while, but haven't gotten round to doing it. Most of us, if not all, have either at some point purchased a football jersey or have one in their possession. And of course, what is emblazoned across the front of the jerseys matter to many. For some people, wearing a top with the Carlsberg emblem may be deemed somewhat offensive to Islam when it is clear that Carlsberg is an alcoholic product.

While Carlsberg is an obvious brand of beer, some others are not quite as 'famous'. And I guess to a certain extent it pays to be aware of what we are promoting accross our fronts when we are wearing these jerseys. Strongbow, for instance - current sponsors of Leeds United and Hearts of Midlothian in the Scottish Premiership, and Holsten - Spurs' sponsor last season and a few years back are two brands of alcholic drinks. So are Coors, who sponsored Chelsea in the 1990's, and Labatts, a previous sponsor of Nottingham Forest. Words like lager, ale and shandy also indicate alcoholic based drinks.

Anyway, here's a rundown of the Premiership football teams, their sponsors and the basis of the company. Just in case anyone is interested. Oh, just read it anyway. That took ages to compile!

Arsenal - O2: A Mobile Phone service provider [like Maxis or Celcom]
Aston Villa - Rover: The car manufacturer
Birmingham - Phones4u: Mobile phone retailer
Blackburn Rovers - AMD Processors: Computer processors
Bolton Wanderers - Reebok: Sports apparel manufacturer
Charlton Athletic - all:sports: Sports apparel retailer
Chelsea - Fly Emirates: Airline
Everton - Keijian Air : Airline
Fulham - betfair.com: An online betting / gambling website
Leeds United - Strongbow : Alcholic drink
Liverpool - Carlsberg: Alcholic drink
Manchester Utd - Vodafone : A Mobile phone service provider
Manchester City -First Advice : Legal and financial advisers
Middlesborough - dial a phone : Mobile phone retailers
Newcastle - Northern Rock : Financial services
Southampton - Friends Provident : Financial services
Sunderland - Reg Vardy: Car dealership
Tottenham Hotspurs - Thomson: Holidays
West Bromwich Albion - West Bromwich Building Society: Financial services
West Ham United - Dr Martens: Shoe manufacturer

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time I will fall
into a place that fails us all inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear to see

still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in - give it up
- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

It's just a simple line
I can still hear it all of the time
If I can just hold on tonight
I know that nothing
Nothing survives
Nothing survives

I think i'm turned around
I'm looking up
Not looking down
And when i'm standing still
Watching you run
Watching you fall
Fall into me

Am I making something worthwhile out of this place
Am I making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced

And she's my friend of all friends
She's still here when everyone's gone
She doesn't have to say a thing
We'll just keep laughing all night long
All night long

It's just a simple line
I can still hear it all of the time
If i can just hold on tonight
I know that no one
No one survives
No one survives

have you ever been so confused?

knowing that you are treading on a thin line, physically not quite sure which way to go but spiritually you know there is always just one way to turn, just one path to take..

knowing that you will follow that right path, but you're always scared, eternally scared of something that might just jolt you into the other direction.

and that you might fall,if you fall when you fall you will not be able to pick yourself up, dust yourself and move on again. or even maybe you don't even want to get up again?

why are there no simple answers to simple questions?

Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I live it all out to find
That I’m not the only person
with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what
I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe
I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way
I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t trust to find the way
everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else
until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away and find myself today

Just so that I know.

This entry is for me more than anyone else.

It's just so that I know, today the uncertainties of the past seem to have risen to the surface again, just when I think I've got things covered.

Saturday morning, and as I promised to myself, I would spend this very day vegetating. And I have. The earlier part of it, anyway. Flipped through the cartoon channels this morning; wasn't too keen on watching stupid stunts and presenters spitting tea over each other in the name of entertainment, for once. Wandered over to S4C and stumbled upon an episode of Smallville. S4C is sort of the Welsh version of Channel Four; it airs some C4 programs and others in Welsh. The C4 programs are aired on a different day then they are on S4C, so if you've missed an episode of say, ER on Wednesday on C4, you can catch it on S4C on Fridays at 9.30pm.

Today is not the best of days, weather wise and me-wise as well. I am going through the normal first-day aches and pains - today it is my back, my hips and my head that is throbbing endlessly. I usually don't resort to painkillers, but beings that I have quite a bit of work to trudge through these next few days, I did take a paracetamol this morning. End result - no back pain, but headache. Can't win 'em all, and at least with a headache I can still function. With a backpain all I can do is take warm Milo and sleep.

Work wise - got something done, at least. A lot of thinking involved, could use a break. Might as well, really. I'm taking tomorrow off, beings that I will be on duty on Sunday. I've even nicked a box of paper just to save myself the trouble, really, if the cupboard runs out again. It isn't bad, this job - just repetitive. And it's good manual labour.. heheh..
---

1.45pm on a Thursday afternoon. Tutorials are just over, I'm just about done with lunch and I can't be arsed to start on any research work this afternoon. Which is bad, because I should and I must get some of the structure of the index going today. Even a peek at Jim Psaros's paper would do.

Thursday is always a bad day for my research work because I have two tutorials to conduct and it usually takes my focus away. I'm lucky in a sense that I only have tutorials on one day per week; so my focus is concentrated somewhat on the other days. But it takes about an hour or two after the second tutorial before I can sit back and think and start working on my research work.

Today wasn't a particularly taxing tutorial, no brainwork on my part because the students had to do a presentation on a project that they have been working on all year. But I have to grade the presentations, and well, that takes a bit of time and thinking too. I still haven't filled in the presentation evaluation forms as yet, so that needs to be settled before I can do much else. I hate paperwork hanging over my head.

Funny thing happened during my first tutorial - the PC wouldn't work. Well it was a student's laptop, anyway. So there was a random PC in the room, which we tried to hook up to the projector. This worked okay, but we couldn't log in. And because the PC was on Windows NT; there was no way we could bypass the logon function. THEN I remembered I had a spare PC in my room - which I had wanted to sell, but the deal fell through yesterday, so it was still around. Good thing it was - it turned out to be a lifesaver for the students.

Lesson: Don't bother with fancy Powerpoint. Use acetate instead. Or so I thought. The OHP failed to work in my second tutorial. Good thing there was someone around to fix it. Murphy's Law in action, I reckon. But on a personal note, managed to sell the PC anyway. So it wanted to do a final good deed before it decided to serve another master. I couldn't blame it.

A few lessons I learnt from the presentations:

Preparation goes a long long way in ensuring you've got the coordination, the timing and the fluency right.

Generally native speakers tend to do better, but not always.

Nice PowerPoint slides do not and cannot make up for lack of content and cohesion.

Just because they speak well doesn't mean they have something to say. Meaning, waffling doesn't always work.

I am slowly worrying myself about my work. I know it is normal not to see any results until the end; but sometimes you can't stop yourself from wanting to see some. Long day today. Started with a short 4 minute talk for the 1st year students about AcF211, the paper I was helping Juan out on earlier this year. Came back and realised it was me who was on morning duty today; so did the rounds.

Badminton game at 1pm; courts were booked until two but since I didn't want to go to indoor football practice I left early. Since I was also soaked in sweat [or is perspiration that we women excrete?] I thought maybe a shower would be appropriate rather than stink up the whole office. Came back at 2.45pm; found myself starving. Funny, since I had lunch just a little bit earlier on. Could be the exercise, could be the PMS settling nicely in. The other normal signs are already here anyway.

Just finished watching Real Madrid beat Juventus 2-1; a pretty unconvincing performance from a Real team whom I feel are still smarting from their 5-1 loss to Mallorca over the weekend. I fancy Real based on the personnel; but we all know too many stars can spoil the football team. I have nothing against Juventus either - I always manage them if I'm playing Championship Manager in Italian league mode. So either way, whoever wins this tie, I'll support them in the finals.

Yes, it seems I haven't said much about United's triumph over the weekend; facts belie the blog entries, though - I have been talking about nothing else but the win to anyone who can be bothered to listen. Most of my non-United friends are pretty riled up; but even they too wished Arsene Wenger would shut up. Arsene [notice what the first four letters in his name spell?] just can't seem to concede that as far as consistency and the league is concerned, his team are second best. Adamant that Arsenal are still THE team in England, he is oblivious to the fact that the only competition this season in which United finished behind them was in the FA Cup - United have done far much better in the League, Worthington Cup and Champions League.

Playing the if game clearly doesn't help - if we didn't have so many players injured, if Viera was fit, if Campbell was not suspended; perhaps if West Bromwich Albion or Sunderland had more money, they wouldn't be relegated. Part of me believes that Wenger knows his team is second best and below par as of late; it is only his ego that does not allow him to concede. Instead he is more willing to be ridiculed by peers and fans alike. Pride - it sure does make you do funny things.

I watched the second half of the Arsenal vs Leeds game; it was a fairly matched game with both teams having patches having inspired bursts of impressive attacking. In the end it was Leeds who scored the most goals as the Arsenal defence faltered in the dying minutes, perhaps somewhat overzealous in their pursuit of the winning goal. Thierry Henry did hit the post at an angle where another mere centimeter would have meant the ball would have been deflected into the net instead of out; and Mark Viduka's goal was clearly offside to my untrained eye. Having said that, I thought that that particular series of events were poetic justice ; when United played Arsenal at Highbury a few weeks ago, it was a very offside Henry goal that returned the status quo as far as the game was concerned ; had it not been for the linesman's inattention, United would have sealed the championship weeks ago.

I do not deny that Arsenal are a very good team; indeed over the past 10 years, they have been the most real and consistent threat United have had. The only other team [apart from Arsenal] who have managed to wrestle United's hold on the Premiership trophy were Blackburn Rovers in 1995 - and they have failed to scale similar heights since then. Having said that, they fell short this season - often effectively playing football for 70 of the 90 minutes.

Heads up though Arsenal fans - there is still the FA Cup for you to get beaten in. And as in football, there is always next season.

"Mutation: it is the key to our evolution. It has enabled us to evolve from a single-celled organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, and normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few hundred millennia, evolution leaps forward." Prof. Charles Xavier, leader of the XMen.

OK, so perhaps the idea of mutation and the concept of evolution deviates somewhat from the Quranic teachings of how man came to be; but that aside, the new X-Men movie, X2, analogises between the mutant's struggle to be accepted and the increasing discrimination Muslims face today.

If the first X-Men movie was about the fight against registration and discrimination; the second reaches further and delves into the more intriguing matters. The movie begins with Kurt Wagner / Nightcrawler wreaking havoc at the White House and allegedly attempts to murder the President [who bore an uncanny resemblance to George Bush], leaving behind a mutant insignia so there would be no mistake as to who was responsible for the attack.

With Eric Lensherr / Magneto behind plastic bars, it seemed impossible that he was behind the attack; and it transpires that they were dealing with an enemy that was more evil and more powerful than themselves.

If you're familiar with the XMen movies, you would know by now that the premise of the movie is based on the lives of mutants - human beings with special powers shunned by society and those they love because they are different. They are often the subject of irrelevant, discriminatory laws; and overzealous members of the community whom see no further than what they can see with their two eyes.

There are good mutants - under the tutelage of Professor Charles Xavier / Professor X; and bad mutants, the underlings of Eric Lensherr / Magneto. To call them good and bad would be misleading; for Magneto and Professor X are friends who carry different ideologies about how the mutants should live in this world.

Professor X believes that humans and mutants can and will co-exist; and strives to achieve that. Magneto believes that mankind is evil for discriminating mutants and treating them like they do; and as such mankind must be destroyed. In his self-righteousness, he does not realise that his attempts to destroy the humans is what is causing problems for Professor X's attempts to help humans accept mutants for what and who they are.

Professor X is the optimist; Magneto the cynic. If you delve deeper into the history of the XMen, beyond the movie and into the comics, you will see that Magneto came to be after a series of unfortunate incidents in his early life that caused him to lose faith in humans.

We can see the analogies here - Muslims today are facing discrimination from people who either have a sinister agenda or do not understand them; the latter borne mostly from the propaganda the former group spews. In the United States, there is slowly rising a practice of racial profiling - Muslims having to register or Muslims from abroad being denied entry. Discrimination is rampant and is becoming more prevalent; whether we choose to recognise it or not.

I am not trying to equate Professor X or Magneto with any person living or dead; to me they are concepts rather than people - the optimistic fighting concept represented by the former; and the desperate, cynical violent approach represented by the latter. There are Muslims who are fighting to show the people what Islam is all about; what its true teachings are and to dispel the false presumptions made by those who know no better. And then there are Muslims who resort to violence to make a statement, simply because they believe there is no other way for them to be heard; and to them they perhaps do not realise that the violence they commit damages the efforts of the other group.

In the movie, when Professor X was captured by Stryker, Magneto led the mutants in their quest to free the Professor and save the mutants from destruction - symbolicly a cessation of differing ideologies and a coming together for the greater good of the collective group.

It is about time Muslims dropped their differences, stop hiding behind their egos and think about the greater good of the religion. For as long as we are not united, people will trample over us; use whatever it is in their power to make sure we are defeated. And when that person is within a position that has access to armies, ammunition and the media - pretty much what Stryker had access to in the movie - it may seem an uphill climb to restore pride and the truth as we know it.

But when we put aside our ideologies, come together and pool our strengths, we can do what is right. We all know that violence is not what Islam advocates; so we must come together as a united front to show this. Differences must be set aside - Islam is the religion of peace and unity, after all - one Ummah under Allah. Until we defeat the enemy within us, we can't defeat the enemy that is out there.

ARSEnal have lost to Leeds 3-2.

This confirms that United are champions.

Say what you want. Abuse me. Send brickbats along my way. I don't care.

We're champions, and that's all that matters.

I hate spam. Have I ever told you that? If I have before, here it is again. I hate spam. Not spam of the meat kind, [although I have to admit I don't really know what that tastes like since it's made from swine], but spam of the email variation.

When I open my hotmail mailbox, I get very enticing invitations to enlarge my penis, get a bigger 'dick' in 7 days or to have a 'look at girls who are doing it 24 hours a day'. I don't even have said organ on my anatomy, and am not that way inclined in terms of sexual preference. Could I care even less?

My fault was that I've had this particular hotmail account since 1996. It's novel to me because it is simply [my first name]@hotmail.com. No dots, no underscores, no meaningless numbers at the end. Akin to having someone called James have a james@hotmail.com email account. A rarity, and a throwback to my more naive days of being a novice websurfer.

I can't bear to part with it. Not a hard thing to do - ignore the mailbox for 60 days and hotmail deletes it automatically. But some people still email me at that address because it's the one they remember the easiest, and sometimes it is worth sifting through the pile of junk to get a genuine email from a long lost friend.

How did I get so lost in spamland? [For statistical purposes, I receive one personal email for every 68 junk mails in my mailbox - not counting the ones which go straight into the junkmail folder]. It was my mistake as an overzealous web citizen in the early days of web access in Malaysia [when it cost RM8 to surf the internet for one hour].

I had a website, and I put my email address on it. I signed guestbooks, and I put my email address on it. I wanted jokes in my mailbox every morning, and I added my email address to countless mailing lists. Every time I signed up for anything new, I would tick all the boxes that technically allowed the providers to send me an email on any random subject underneath the big blue sky. I was naive, and now I am paying for it.

This is, of course, spam of the unwanted or unknown kind. Then there is spam from known senders. Random web hoaxes forwarded by well-meaning friends who didn't quite check the validity of what was forwarded. That I can still marginally tolerate; because there is a face to the spammer; and it isn't really a mass marketing ploy but rather just one of the methods these people keep in touch.

Officially started work as printer monitor today. It isn't back breaking work - all I am doing is going round the various labs in the management school and topping up the printer paper if needs be. There is also a standby function - if anything goes wrong with the printers, then I will have to try and sort it out, failing which I should call the relevant technicians. But for that to work, I have to be on this mailing list, and the lady who operates the mailing list only works Tuesdays and Wednesdays, so I'm officially not on it yet.

Started work at approximately 1pm; there are 13 labs and today I learnt that randomly carrying the paper load and putting the paper where it should be isn't efficient. The best thing to do is to check the labs first, identifying which labs need topping up and THEN lug the numerous reams of A4 paper to the labs. It may take longer but I won't break my back carrying stuff. We are paid for 70 minutes' work every session; today I managed to complete my rounds in about 45 minutes. So if I do the 'inspection' thing first, then it will only take up time for which I'm paid for anyway.

Watched the United-Charlton game for the first half and hour, and managed to catch the last 10 minutes after I finished my rounds. Beckham scored, only to have Charlton reply within the next 2 minutes through a freak goal - Roy Carroll miscleared from the left edge of his box straight into Jensen's path, who lobbed it straight into the empty net as Carroll frantically struggled to get back in time.

I was quite worried Charlton were going to do a Bolton on us; but thankfully Ruud scored before half time. When I came back for the last 10 minutes, he had scored two more. Now all we have to do win the Everton game and the title will be heading back to Old Trafford. Of course, if Leeds win at Highbury tomorrow then the wrap up is even quicker.

Am I confident? Not in the least. We've cocked this up before - losing at West Ham in 1995 on the last day of the season, giving Blackburn their solitary shot at glory thus far that year. Nothing's to say we won't do that again. Even Fergie himself was relatively subdued - no lap of honour at the last home game today, to ward off any calls of premature glory.

If we make it, they deservedly so. The team have fought well, despite criticisms, and it would be nice to see some form of reward in terms of some proper silverware for Ruud van Nistelrooy given his outstanding contribution to the team this year. If we don't, then hard luck on us - but Arsenal aren't a second rate team themselves - so better luck next year if we don't do it this year.

Homophobia. Literally it means fear of homosexuals. Or scared of them. Put into context, it can be further defined into "hatred of homosexuality" ,"hatred of homosexuals", "fear of gays and lesbians" and "a desire or attempt to discriminate against homosexuals". So based on these loose definitions, I'm not really homophobic. Which in a way is good because I've never really considered myself as one. Although some might differ after reading this entry.

But anyway, I know of, have met, been friends with and have shared a table with more than one homosexual. There has never been any desire for me to kill them, throttle them, abuse them or do anything nasty to them in any manner. Au contraire, they are nice people who seem to have a good outlook on life and are pretty interesting conversationalists. I don't even feel physically sick when I am around them - but then again, when they are not having sex, they're pretty much the same as you and me anyway. And I've never walked into two homsexuals having sex before. [Or heterosexuals, for that matter.]

Principles wise, though, I don't agree with the whole concept. Yes, I call homosexuality a concept because I don't believe that one is 'born' gay. I don't care what the genetic studies say, there is either a Hadith or a Surah in the Quran, I can't remember which, that says children born into this world are like white sheets, upon which the parent chooses to colour it. That's good enough for me; there must have been a flaw in the study that was conducted because it is inconsistent with the Quran and Hadith. You might call it flawed logical reasoning. I call it faith.

I don't agree with homosexuality because it is forbidden in the Quran. The Quran speaks of the people of Nabi Lut a.s. in Sodom whom were punished by God for indulging in homosexuality when He had already sent Nabi Lut a.s. to guide them. The fact that homosexuality is wrong or haram in Islam is made clear by various references in the Quran itself. There are no ifs or buts or anything else. These are facts.

[80] And (remember) Lut (Lot), when he said to his people: "Do you commit the worst sin such as none preceding you has committed in the 'Alamin (mankind and jinn)? [81] "Verily, you practice your lusts on men instead of women. Nay, but you are a people transgressing beyond bounds (by committing great sins)." Al -A'raaf

[165] "Go you in unto the males of the 'Alamin (mankind),[166] "And leave those whom Allah has created for you to be your wives? Nay, you are a trespassing people!" As-Shua'ara

[55] "Do you practice your lusts on men instead of women? Nay, but you are a people who behave senselessly." Al-Naml

So am I homophobic? I don't hate gays, I don't want to kill them, and if one applied to work for me, I wouldn't send him away because of his or her sexual orientation; in the same way that I wouldn't send away someone whom I know has had premarital sex, because both are haram. What I would feel is utter sadness, especially if he or she was Muslim; because if you didn't have any religious denominations, you have no basis or frame of reference to guide your actions. If you are Muslim, then it is clear that this is wrong and I would feel sad because Islam is being subject to misconceptions everywhere we look and if Muslims can't embody its teachings, then what hope do we have of solidarity and strength?

If homosexuality is forbidden, then why do some of us to have 'feelings' towards those of the same sex, then? My take on it is that homosexuality is actually a test. For the people who feel that way, it is a test from Allah to see if we follow the teachings or otherwise. Like any other tests that we get from time to time, be it success or failure or an illness or good fortune or temptations. And if we rise up to the challenge, then there will be rewards. And if we fall by the sidelines, then that's the sad bit, isn't it?

Thursday has never been an excellent day for me to get work done - mainly because so far this year it has been my 'tutorial' day. During the Michaelmas term, it was a straight 3 hours on a Thursday afternoon for AcF211. For Lent and Summer, it's 2 hours on a Thursday morning, one at 10 and the other at 12. Funny really, that only first years have lectures and tutorials in the Summer term. The rest slack off under the pretext of preparing for their exams.

My day started at 5am today, for some reason. After Subuh prayers I felt too awake; so I decided to finish a random menial story book I was reading. As a result - feeling a bit sluggish; and due to having breakfast too early, was starving all through the second tutorial. Toyed with the idea of having a slice or two at Pizetta, but decided to go for a Cheese and Onion pasty instead. Washed down with coffee, of course.

Spoke to Abed yesterday and he said as a first year student he could, at best, polish off one paper a day; two perhaps if he was skimming. So I'll set the target a bit higher for myself - one proper paper or three if skimming.

Still can't decide on what to cook for dinner tonight. Can't figure out how to make some edible form of sauce from scratch to go with my celery and mushrooms. Yes, in addition to tomatoes, I have added celery on the list of vegetables that I find palatable.