"The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own." -Michael KondaFriday, April 18Finally managed to wrap up the report and sent it off to Peter - a good 24 hours later than I intended, if you don't mind me saying myself. A personal disappointment.
Anyway. About the war that was. Baghdad has fallen, together with the statue that was made the symbol of Saddam's reign. But two questions remain unanswered:
1. Where are the weapons of mass destruction that so became the reason for the war?
2. Where is Saddam?
Conspiracy theories are abound.
RE: Weapons of mass destruction
Were there, or were there not weapons of mass destruction in the first place? The search that the troops have undertaken over the course of the war has yielded nothing. Zilch. Nada. If the UN reports are to be believed, then there shouldn't be any weapons in the first place. But US defied all the evidence for gut feel - we feel that they have weapons and as such, we will attack.
The point seems moot, really. Were they there or weren't there, the damage has been done. The bombs have been dropped, the civilians have been killed, the treasures have been vandaliased and lost. There is no turning back, really.
The coalition forces need some form of chemical weapons to be found. It would justify the cause they championed, and to a certain extent, I wouldn't put it past them to 'fabricate' or 'plant' chemical weapons just to say they were there. A lot of political mileage hinges on these weapons of mass destruction, for both Blair and Bush. If you were to monitor the coverage of the media over the duration of the war, you could see how as the lower the probability there was for the weapons to be found, the more the shift was towards 'liberalisation' and 'freedom of the Iraqis'. How the Iraqis love being liberated.
Already we are seeing the media diverge its focus from these weapons - no one, bar a few, is talking about it. Deliberate? Go figure.
RE: Where is Saddam?
Where is he indeed. Visuals on Abu Dhabi TV shown yesterday depicted Saddam still being in the country [Iraq, that is] on the day his statue was felled. Is he in Russia?
Can we buy that theory - that the CIA 'saved' Saddam smuggled him out? To a certain extent, there is an absurdness beyond belief. The whole war and the whole bombing exercise were targeted at ensuring the man perished - why would the US help him out of the country? To another extent, there is a possibility. Think about it - Osama and Saddam are both worth more to the US alive than dead. If Saddam is dead, then there are no reasons for them to make more forays into the Middle East. By keeping him alive, they can justify further bombings of, say, Syria or Iran or Palestine by saying that there were sightings of him there.
Nonsensical? I don't think so.. not for a country who bombed another country because of invisible weapons.
Bottom line, at least for me, is : how good a leader is Saddam Hussein? If he is indeed alive and well, it is despicable that he has left his people to suffer, to die, even at the hands of this war. If he has ran away from the country, more despicable still. Maybe I am jumping the gun, but if he had an ounce of integrity within him as a leader, he would have gone down with his people rather than run away. Because by running away, he is no different from the remote-control warlords like Bush, Blair and co; directing the war from thousands of miles away in the sanctity of their well-sheltered homes.
Perhaps he has another plan cooking. One that would guarantee victory. Using his
invisibleweapons of mass destruction.--
A link you may - or may not - be interested in.
posted by Prof_Sadin 4/19/2003 04:12:07 PM// Your Say. . .
"One should never criticize his own work except in a fresh and hopeful mood. The self-criticism of a tired mind is suicide." -Charles Horton Cooley, Life and the StudentThursday, April 17It has been hard to put a logical flow of thoughts through my brain this week, never mind translating them into a set of coherent words that make up this blog. I've just been reading the entries of this past week that I've posted - very sporadic, very intermittent and very reflective of the scattered state of my grey matter.
Entah apa la yang aku tulis. Main tulis ajer. Pastu tekan post & publish.
Had a meeting with my supervisor Peter on Tuesday, as I noted earlier. The output of the meeting was good. I aired to him my concern on the first paper I was working on and how it was dependent on a methodology developed during a study someone else was still working on. Basically, there was potential that if that paper blows, mine will too. So we were discussing alternative methods of getting round our dependence on that methodology.
He also suggested that I perhaps start looking at the literature for my second paper, which is based on executive compensation. I am admittedly more comfortable with this topic, having had it as part of my masters dissertation. At least there will not be a frantic search for articles to do my literature review on - I've got the biblio ready.
But I had to open my big fat mouth and ask him about an earnings management project that he is working on, and in what way he would need my help. So he goes on and says, well, perhaps you can provide me with a summary of what you've read so far. Erk.. kaget aku kejap.. dah la dua tiga minggu ni bengong, kerja tak berapa nak jalan.. dia mintak article summary la plak dah... So I tell him that I've got most of it in written form and I need to transcribe it into Word. To which he said, okay.. I'll probably need it by Friday.
Which was fine on Tuesday, because the world didn't come crashing down just quite yet. Okay, so I'm overdramatizing the whole thing. Maybe the world didn't crash down on me. Tuesday afternoon, I was still in a good mood. I was happily traipsing down to the library with a pile of articles to polish. My thinking - if I managed to whip off 3 articles in one morning [which I did on the Monday], I could possibly finish off about 8 in two days. Which would leave me Thursday and Friday to transcribe everything and send it off to Peter. So far, so good.
Then, of course, came the phone call from 7000 miles away. Somebody screwed up. I have to be the one to help pick up the pieces. I am, without a doubt, the most indispensible person in the whole wide world. Who else gets a request for help call from 7000 miles away? And so, a whole afternoon gone, playing the samaritan. Yes, I know, if I was playing the Samaritan, why am I bitching about it in my blog? Because I did what I had to do out of obligation, out of my sense of duty and because it was the right thing to do. Was it beneficial to me? Not in the least. I lost a whole afternoon of potential work time; my good mood was blown to smithereens and any inkling of pahala that I was to get is now basically totally gone due to my incessant ranting over the whole issue. [Betul kata awak. Kita buat untuk orang apa-apa pun, apa yang kita dapat? Ada orang tolong kita bila kita dah tersepit?]
And so, the so-called balance that I have tried so damn hard to achieve this week was blown to bits. My plan - which, under any other circumstance, could be open to any impromptu changes, but had to be well-defined for just this week when I thought I was finally getting back on my feet - went off kilter.
I had planned proper sleeping hours, having proper meals at the right times, a nice, regimented work schedule - no longer possible when I had quite a bit of catching up to do. I found myself chasing the deadline - which meant excessive hours at the office, skipped meals, late nights.. the works. Not good for my 'recovery', needless to say.
Anyway. Only managed to trudge back to my room at 9pm tonight. Finally managed to wrap up part of the report. I ended up sending Peter an incomplete version of my summary..
I tried.. struggled, even, to make things work but the fact is, the hours I lost on Tuesday afternoon really did take its toll. I did not meet my deadline. My proper work is nowhere to be seen, and in light of another meeting next week, I'll be spending the weekend at the office. Which, based on prior experience, is not a good way to 'recuperate' - which is what I should leave weekends for.
Everything's fallen off the bandwagon.
And the one person responsible for this is oblivious - as oblivious as she was before, and as oblivious as she always will be about the effects and consenquences her actions have on other people.
Maybe it's not fair for me to blame anyone else for my own predicaments. At any other day, any other time, perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad. But since I've only managed to get the depressing, sinking feeling out of the way ... trying very hard to overcome the mental deficiencies so that I can function properly again... *sigh* I dunno. It was just bad timing - she wasn't aware of what I've been going through, to be fair. It was just that I couldn't afford another upset, and now that it did happen, I'm paying the price.
Oh well. Next week's another week. Here's hoping that something just might turn out all right.
Will have more thoughts about the war back in here soon enough.
posted by Prof_Sadin 4/18/2003 11:25:59 AM// Your Say. . .
Good weather is rare to come by, especially in the far reaches of the North. And so, when you get two days of arguably excellent whether in a row, you start thinking of the logic behind being stuck in an office when there is a lot more to enjoy out there!
Today's blue Lancaster sky is the bluest I've seen it since I arrived here for the second time. There is a slight cool breeze, making the day quite tolerable compared to yesterday. Temperature wise, I think today and yesterday are comparable, but yesterday we were greeted with still air, making it ever the more dry and hot. The temperature reached 25 celcius, and that is equal to early mornings or very wet rainy days in Malaysia. But the humidity back home somehow makes it more tolerable than the still, dry air that we get here.
Having said all that, I am not complaining. It is on days like this that I enjoy Lancaster the most. Even from my office window, I can see a beautiful blend of colours.. somehow the grey, bleak mental picture of England that I always keep at the back of my mind is gone, replaced with something much more worthwhile.
posted by Prof_Sadin 4/17/2003 01:45:39 PM// Your Say. . .
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." - NapoleonTuesday, April 15In my new 'regime', I thought it was better that any updating of this blog be done after my working day had ended; I used to do a lot of updating in the morning but that took precious hours away from the work I should have been doing. It's always a quirky thing - I always seem to have a lot more to say or more things on my mind when it should be otherwise occupied. At night I am more at ease, my brain is more relaxed, but it also refuses to be creative. Ideas and words seem to be stuck somewhere, not wanting to come out in a coherent manner. Perhaps physical tiredness gets in the way.
Anyway, I'm starting a new 'series' of short pieces, entitled 'My Life: OST'. Which is basically a collection of songs which capture a moment in time; a song which has a place in the mess that I laughingly call my life.
We start off with a relatively unknown song by a relatively unknown band:-
Competition Smile by Gin Blossoms
Album: Congratulations I'm SorryLooking up I saw nothing
But blue in the bluest sky
And now it's creeping across my eye
Going down in my mind, down in my mindI'm high and I'm hopeless
So help me to get untied
Fast asleep now I'm going blind
Falling down in my mind, down in my mind
Just fineEmulate the style
A competition smileNow I'm running, not looking
And opening up my brain
Where it's easy to lose my name
Looking dumb in the rain, dumb in the rainI'm hoping you'll notice
That no one else helps me grow
Oh, it's not easy to let you know
What I'm dying to show
Dying until you knowPretending all the while
A competition smileNow I've thrown something far
And it haunts me like a curse
I'm like a stone
Falling hard
And I'm only getting worseLooking up I saw nothing
But blue in the bluest sky
And now it's creeping across my eye
And going down in my mind, down in my mindI'm high and I'm hopeless
So help me to get untied
Fast asleep now I'm going blind
Falling down in my mind, down in my mind
Just finePretending all the while
A competition smile
I'm hiding high...
Time frame: circa1996. I was at IKATAN at this point, and while things were going smoothly on the 'professional' [read: academic] side of things, my personal life was undergoing a tumultous phase. I was still coming to terms with my relationship with my dad - one that has always been fiery but has, since then, thankfully evolved into one of mutual respect, much to the relief of my mum, who had to be the middle man on more than one occasion. I was also trying to untangle an emotional web I managed to get myself wrapped into a few years before that [an issue I have yet to achieve full closure with even after all these years, although I am admittedly getting there. Yes, I know, 10 years is a long time. And yes, I know, move on is a phrase I am quite familiar with.]
This song seemed apt at that moment because they way I interpreted it, it was talking about wanting to escape, but being unable to, and at the same time trying to maintain a normal, stoical appearance as if all was well, when just beneath the surface, there was someone reaching out and there was a lot left unsaid. Which generally described my own mental state to a T, especially if excerpts from my old journal were anything to go by.
Things have changed - most of the issues have been resolved, but whenever I feel like I'm just faking it through the day, this song is the one I play.
posted by Prof_Sadin 4/17/2003 12:17:08 AM// Your Say. . .
"Only solitary men know the full joys of frienship. Others have their family; but to a solitary and an exile, his friends are everything." -Willa Cather, Shadows on the Rock, 1931Monday, April 14As I was walking home from the office at 10pm tonight, I saw a full moon in all its glory shining above me. Figures.. it could all well explain why today has been of the more madder days in this already testing month. On the one part, all seemed to go well. My meeting with Peter was very fruitful - he is indeed a good supervisor, allowing me to make my choices and listening to my feelings about the projects, but at the same time guiding me along and helping me develop my thoughts. On another level, though, a dam just burst and at unluckily, someone had to be at the receiving end when it did.
I probably won't talk too much about what really happened or what pulled the trigger. Suffice to say, sometimes even the bounds of unconditional love can be tested to its extremes. With friends, if they get on your nerves or just make you mad, you can always walk away to cool down and then deal with it [and them] later.
Or, if the issue really transcends bounds of acceptable conduct, you can just walk away, period. With family, that is easier said than done. There are certain expected rules of conduct one must observe, even more so in if you come from an Asian background where filial duties are considered almost sanctimonious.
Perhaps the hardest thing to accept are flaws in the ones we love; and worse still, watching those flaws destroy their character without being able to do anything about it, not for apathy or for the lack of trying.
---
Seeing a report of this event brought tears to my eyes this morning. In the words of the ever-observant Robert Fisk..."I saw the looters. One of them cursed me when I tried to reclaim a book of Islamic law from a boy of no more than 10. Amid the ashes of Iraqi history, I found a file blowing in the wind outside: pages of handwritten letters between the court of Sharif Hussein of Mecca, who started the Arab revolt against the Turks for Lawrence of Arabia, and the Ottoman rulers of Baghdad.
And the Americans did nothing. All over the filthy yard they blew, letters of recommendation to the courts of Arabia, demands for ammunition for troops, reports on the theft of camels and attacks on pilgrims, all in delicate hand-written Arabic script. I was holding in my hands the last Baghdad vestiges of Iraq's written history. But for Iraq, this is Year Zero; with the destruction of the antiquities in the Museum of Archaeology on Saturday and the burning of the National Archives and then the Koranic library, the cultural identity of Iraq is being erased. Why? Who set these fires? For what insane purpose is this heritage being destroyed?
When I caught sight of the Koranic library burning flames 100 feet high were bursting from the windows I raced to the offices of the occupying power, the US Marines' Civil Affairs Bureau. An officer shouted to a colleague that "this guy says some biblical [sic] library is on fire". I gave the map location, the precise name in Arabic and English. I said the smoke could be seen from three miles away and it would take only five minutes to drive there. Half an hour later, there wasn't an American at the scene and the flames were shooting 200 feet into the air" [more]
My eyes brimmed with tears because among what was destroyed were one of the oldest copies of the Quran. It seems that nothing is sacred anymore. Am I surprised? Not really. Did you really expect the Americans to care about heritage or history, when theirs is, at best 300 years old? Do they even understand the concept of heritage, when their frames of reference are limited to the scope of their own backyard?
Maybe you think I am biased because I am not subjecting the British soldiers to the same level of ridicule. In general, the whole Alliance is a disgrace. But today I've singled out the Americans because they are responsible for taking over Baghdad. And then denying themselves of any responsibility of the anarchy that ensued in the aftermath of their so-called liberation. Yes, liberation is about freedom, but no freedom is without bounds and limits. You promised, damn it, You promised.. that you'd preserve the heritage and culture. But then, what is the weight and the value of the promise of a hypocrite?
Even with the destruction of the most treasured Islamic resources, the joke and the farce that is the OIC remains stoically silent. A little money called 'aid' goes a long, long way in shutting the mouths of the people who matter.
---
Sometimes, when we dwell upon things that are so far away from home, things that, even at best, are totally out of our control, we forget about the simpler things that make a difference in our lives; the people who make us smile or the things that we forget to appreciate. A fellow blogger recently was hospitalised to undertake a surgical procedure. The support 'system' she has around her from her friends, some of whom she made online, gave me a warm fuzzy feeling when I was reading about it earlier today.
posted by Prof_Sadin 4/15/2003 10:01:26 PM// Your Say. . .
"It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them." -Mark TwainSunday, April 13An experiment of minor proportions seemed to yield somewhat positive results today. Tried to do some serious reading at the library - this time with someone else for company instead of going it alone.
Hypotheses tested:
a) If I were to have company, I would be less likely to wander around looking for computers to mess about on because 'small breaks' can be taken by making idle conversation.
b) If I were to have company, I would be more likely to discipline myself and work harder for reasons yet unexplored by myself
c) If both the above two hypotheses were to be accepted, the outcome of the experiment would be that I would get some work done.Results:
a) I did not wander around looking for a PC.
b) I actually sat still and did some reading
c) I actually managed to finish scrutinising 3 articles in one morning, rather than the usual solitary article per day.Implications:
a) I can potentially get more work done if I were to sit down with someone else rather than alone. Therefore it seems a good idea to proceed with this arrangement for as long as it is mutually beneficial.
b) I probably need to find a study buddy for the long summer months when everyone else are off home.So, Zieha & Ana , amacam? Sanggup jadi mangsa dera teman saya belajar?
posted by Prof_Sadin 4/14/2003 05:50:22 PM// Your Say. . .
"We are told never to cross a bridge until we come to it, but this world is owned by men who have 'crossed bridges' in their imagination far ahead of the crowd."Sometimes, when we fall sick, we know exactly how to remedy what ails us without ever having to go to the doctors. A minor ailment can quickly be cured with some paracetamol.. a fall or a sprain can be settled with the R.I.C.E. regiment [Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevate] - unless of course all these first aid methods come to no avail, at which point you then give the good doctor a visit.
But anyway, I'm digressing. My point is, if we know what ails us, we know how to remedy it. When we don't know what the problem is, diagnosis and medication is a tad trickier.
Which basically sums up my mental state as of late. As much as there has been slow progress, I am still not quite sure what it is that has caused my mood to swing
tremendously from one end to the other in such a short span of time. My main suspicion is that it is related to the hours I have been putting in - about 10 hours a day on average, including weekends. And as I get mentally tired and my focus wans, I get frustrated and try to get more done, resulting in more hours put in, and lesser and lesser quality output. Vicious circle.
If this, indeed is what is ailing me, then the right thing to do would be for me to take a break. Sort of a 'time-out' from work to get my thoughts in order and my focus back in shape. In an ideal world, this break would mean just me and the people I want to be around me [obviously these people would also need to want to be around me as well, or everything will defeat the purpose], perhaps sitting on a nice beach somewhere with a stack of strictly non-academic books to read.
Failing which, a nice hotel room with satelite TV and all the episodes of Friends [or Frasier or any sitcom worth it's airtime] shown back-to-back for days on end. Or, in this mental state, just a quick trip back home to Malaysia to see my immediate family and close friends only - you know, some emotional recharging - and then perhaps take my much-missed car for a stroll around town, driving for the sake of driving.
Fact of life is that a break is not something I can afford, both financially and time-wise. So I guess it's back down to doing things that I can do given the circumstance, or, as we are in a poetic mood tonight, playing the cards with which we have been dealt. And as always, the best person to talk to is the Almighty. Having had a week's worth of 'off days', it feels good to be back communicating with Him on a regular basis again.
---
This war, this damn stupid war!Breaking news on NST Online - Malaysian Mercy
volunteers injured after being ambushed by Shiite militia. I am utterly speechless at this. Now that the Americans have so-called liberated Iraq, it is in a worse state than it was when there was oppressive regime rule. And now even our people, who made the trip all the way to Iraq as part of a medical relief team, have also been injured. These doctors are there to help give aid and medication - the International Red Cross are too scared to venture in, of course, even though they have better manpower.
I am at a loss for words to describe the voluntary spirit of these doctors - who embody the spirit of what doctors should be, and then some.
I am also at a loss for words to describe the irresponsibility, callousness and nonchalance exhibited by the "liberators" and "freedom-givers" of Iraq. There has been a sore lacking in any proactive action on their part - and the anarchy that is now Iraq is a testament that they really couldn't care less. The whole coup, the felling of Saddam's statue, is looking more and more like another episode of a soap opera more than anything else.
Is it so hard to maintain law and order, I wonder. Is their strength only limited to random air-raids and steamrolling in their tanks, but nothing beyond the display of armoury? Perhaps they are apprehensive that if they used their weapons to stop the looting and rioting, they may kill innocent bystanders by accident. Not that they've done any of that before with their bombs and shooting at civilians at checkpoints. The fact is, I think, once they venture from behind their tanks and armoured vehicles, the eminence of their yellowbelliness becomes more and more prominent. No heroes here - cowards at best.
posted by Prof_Sadin 4/13/2003 11:10:11 PM// Your Say. . .
Random thoughtsI need to get my hair cut
I am too tired to face reality
My room is a mess
I am knackered
posted by Prof_Sadin 4/13/2003 04:08:57 PM// Your Say. . .