A full day today - with activities of a non-academic content, however. Lancaster is having its Majlis Sambutan Maal Hijrah 1424 today, coupled with an akikah for the four babies who have been born within the past year. Only made it to bed - on Zieha's floor rather than my own - at 5am this morning; up by half past seven today since there is rice to cook and last minute stuff to look into. And I am neither on the Malaysian Soc nor Kelab Umno committee.

Many, many people in my life have played roles in shaping it the way that it is today; and of those, many have 'left'. 'Leaving' to me isn't just about physically leaving someone or something. It's more of a function of change - where the only constant in life 'is' change.

Oh, and you have to listen to the song to do it justice. It is 'hauntingly beautiful' personified.

This one's for friends and lovers who have moved on.

Concentration isn't my strongest forte today. Totally lost. Out of sorts. Not quite the person I was on Monday.

Maybe it's the late nights. 2 nights in a row sleeping at 2am could take its toll. Yes, my all-nighters way back at STF are now a thing of the past. These days it's bed by 12am, and I only function after 7 hours of sleep, minimum. Anything less than that and any functionality is merely marginal. Perhaps a sign of old age.

It's been a while since I said anything about the war. Not because of ignorance.. far from it, because I've been a bit too glued to the whole proceedings. It was just that I thought I had said everything that I needed to say - and that there was not much of a difference that I could make, from my little corner of the world. My pleas will forever go unheeded, my arguments unheard, my sentiments unechoed by those who can make a real difference in the war. If people taking to the streets can't sway the stand, what hope have I got, spewing rhetoric on a website that can amass, at best 50 different views on a good day.

Pass Me My Crutches - I'm Learning to Fly!

Pass me my crutches. I have decided
that this is the year
in which I shall learn
to fly.

Not because I have outfoxed the laws of gravity
which punish my flat feet for Christmas cookie excesses;
Not because the tense knot between my shoulder blades
has miraculously turned to wings;
Not even because my winning in the lottery (which I never play)
have at last enabled me to live a life of luxurious leisure.

No, I shall learn to fly because I am
otherwise ordinary. And because I am
otherwise ordinary, I shall eschew
quick silver wings and coach class comforts.
I shall throw back my head so that the wind tangles my hair.
I shall clench my jaw and let the bugs freckle my teeth.
I shall seat my goggles upon my dripping nose
and set my face toward a new horizon,
bounded not by fears and might-have-been's
but by possibilities and perhaps-could-be's.

I shall bend the bands of my past
into a springboard which propels me beyond it;
Arrange my broken bones and broken dreams into a mosaic
of rich and unexpected colors;
Breathe deeply just below the surface of the present frantic moment
where the cool scent of water runs, refreshing.

Not an overall excellent day today. Managed to get some work done earlier in the morning and was set on tackling some articles in the afternoon. Luck had it that I didn't feel all too well come 2 o'clock and since the only way to settle things was to take a prolonged nap, I duly went back to my room and did, to the accompaniment of 'Ten Things I Hate About You' playing itself on the DVD player.

There are things that need to be said, but sometimes there aren't any ways to say it without hurting people in the process. I guess in a twisted way, this song tries to say what I want said - so if you feel as if it's talking to you, then maybe it is. Then again, maybe it isn't.

Rest Stop - Matchbox 20

Just three miles from the rest stop
And she slams on the breaks
She said I tried to be but I'm not
And could you please collect your things
I don't wanna be cold
I don't wanna be cruel
But I gotta find more
Than what's happening with you
If you'd - open up the door

She said - while you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you're dreaming when
It came to mind that I didn't care
So I thought - hell if it's over
I had better end it quick
Or I could lose my nerve
Are you listening - can you hear me
Have you forgotten

Just three miles from the rest stop
And my mouth's too dry to rage
The light was shining from the radio
I could barely see her face
But she knew all the words that I never had said
She knew the crumpled-up promise of this
Broken down man - and as I opened up the door

She said - while you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you're dreaming when
It came to mind that I didn't care
So I thought - hell if it's over
I had better end it quick
Or I could lose my nerve
Are you listening - can you hear me
Have you forgotten

She said - while you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you're dreaming when
It came to mind that I didn't care
So I thought - hell if it's over
I had better end it quick
Or I could lose my nerve
Are you listening - can you hear me

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Or so the saying goes.

Do you choose your friends? Or does friendship choose you?

Think about the people you are closest with who are not your family. Think about your best friend, or, if like me, you don't 'do' best friends, think of the person with whom you feel most comfortable with, even when are just sitting in complete silence with each other, doing nothing.

Now think about how you two came together. Did you see that person in a crowd of many and decided - that person is the one I want to be my friend? Or was it a gradual process... learning slowly about each other and suddenly finding that in some inexplainable way, you clicked?

I guess people go through their own social processes, but for me, it has mostly been the latter. Given a certain setting or community, there just are a few people with whom I find myself most at ease with. The process is gradual. When I am in a new social setting, I will bump into the same big group of people when we socialise. And among that big group of people, there will be one or two whom I slowly learn to trust. It's more gut feel for me - I don't set out on choosing someone to be a 'buddy' beforehand, but if it happens, it happens.

What happens if I don't click with anyone? I just do without. I guess I'm more happy being the lone ranger rather than trying to create a fake familiarity with people my gut feel doesn't trust. It's happened once or twice, and thankfully I'm still here today. Although the mess that is my mental state may have to do with internalising too many conflicts because there wasn't anyone I was comfortable enough with to hash things out.

It's not like I totally just hang out with just these one or two people all the time. As much as I like company I also cherish solitude and being alone with myself. It's when I do either excessively that I feel a bit boxed in. I guess more than quite a few people would agree if I said that I am not an easy person to figure out. Yeah, you there nodding, I meant you, too. Yes, I am trying to decomplicate myself. If I say I need space, don't think it's because of you. More often than not, it'll be because of me.

Since I've been through quite a few 'social settings' in my life - from Durham to SRKBBB to STF, to IKATAN, Uniten and Lancaster [twice], it's obvious that my friends change every time. But thankfully, even though circumstances change, we still fall back onto each other for support. And over the years, the net of support has grown bigger and bigger.

Not to say that there haven't been some bad times - when my instinct gets it wrong. But the past isn't there for us to dwell on, it's there for us to learn our lessons.