For all STFians out there who may be reading this journal.. try and identify the one familiar face in this picture :)

Proof that they were all young once, too.. hehehhe..

Am now back in the office. That's the good news. The bad news? It stinks of paint. The smell of fresh paint, alas, is not akin to the sweet smell of freshly cut grass - even if it is green paint.

It's a fair toss, really, at the end of the day - do I want to stay in my room [which actually has traces of liniment, come to think of it, after Saturday's injuries] and get no work done, or do I want to try and get something done - at the cost of suffocating myself with the smell of paint? I've left the windows open tonight - with the hope that the night's cold air will clear some of the unpleasant smell.

Haven't been to the office in three days. They are having it painted, so we've had to move around a bit. Spent Monday and Tuesday at the library, but I can't work as well when I don't have access to the 'basic necessities' such as my PC or a cup of steaming, hot coffee. Yes, I am addicted to caffeine as a stimulant if I haven't had enough sleep the night before.

And speaking of chronic lack of sleep, Tuesday wasn't a very good day for me. We spent Monday night visiting two families and their newborn babies - and only headed back at about 2am. I couldn't find it in me to trudge all the way back to the other side of campus; so I spent the night where I always spend the night when I can't spend the night in my own bed.. heh heh heh. Only made it back at 11am the next morning - obviously oversleeping but my body clock didn't appreciate the change in hours as much. Tried to get some work done at the library but found myself asleep more than anything else.

Went to training in the afternoon, but for the first time in ages I found myself very undermotivated. Sort of went through the motions more than actually having fun. Everyone seemed enthuthiastic about the inter-college games this Sunday, but, pardon the French, I found myself feeling I couldn't be arsed. Not good!

Whoever the hell Kim Zmeskal was, some people up in Sheffield must have read her philosophy on life and decided to put it to good use

Okay, so I'm still sore. Shoot me. It'll take a while to wash over. Big deal. It's hard when you're ancient but still a kid at heart. Heh heh heh.

First of all, my apologies to the real gold medallist that represented Lancaster at Sheffield - in all my earnestness to vent, I forgot that we had another winner amongst us. Our squash player, especially imported from Dublin, Ireland - secured Lancaster's first gold medal way before netball knew they were through to the [so-called] semi finals. Good one, Ainizam! [betul ke aku eja nama dia nie?]

And I'm not really THAT sore about Sheffield. For the better part, it WAS a good experience; and everything - even the rain - went well up to the point until how the championship was decided. So if anyone from Sheffield is reading this - do not take all the jibes personally. I am just an evil person.

Spent the whole of yesterday, after finally managing to crawl out of bed, at Kak Eda's place in Graduate Hall. She invited me for breakfast, but I was too knackered to move anywhere away from my bed. All the muscles I never knew I had were somehow throbbing. Finally, at around 2pm, me and Ana made it over for 'lunch'.

The rest of the day was [sadly] spent watching the netball game video - it really was the first time I saw myself in action on any sports field, and in that sense, it was a small consolation for me to know that I did not commit any fouls, made minimal mistakes and did actually play my heart out - at least I knew I gave my all. To be honest, there wasn't much else we could do. Zieha, Ana or even Adniz could be thinking, what if that shot went it, or if that one had gone in.. and all that; and while I was giving Ana and Zieha a relatively hard time about it yesterday, I meant no malice. They were both spot on and superb in all the games; and if we didn't score as many goals as we would have liked to, it is as much a function of the rest of the team not getting the ball up to the D as much as anything else.

Another thing that was the [very sad] highlight of the video was my little scene with Shorty from London. I can't recall any of it, but apparently after I was pushed I got up straight away and looked hell bent on giving a certain someone a piece of my mind, or perhaps my fist. It was Adniz who visibly pulled me away, asking if I was all right and calming me down. Could there have been carnage? I'd like to think not; I've kept my temper in check for many many years and have not lashed out in ages. But given that what happened immediately after the fall had no bearing on my memory.. well, who knows. All in all, I was just glad that it didn't end in an ugly manner, although I now have a nicely bruised wrist - and she a skinned elbow.

The Sheffield Games

Our trip to South Yorkshire began at approximately half past six [in the morning!!] ; so my day technically began at 5 am. After giving a few people wake-up calls and performing Subuh prayers, I headed off to the Underpass - the rule was: be there by 6am. In true Malaysian style, the only people who were actually there at 6am were Ija and Ilham, who thought they'd miss the bus already.

But everyone was rounded up pretty quickly, and we were soon our our way. The bus driver decided to take a shorter route - via the Snake Pass - named, perhaps, after the winding road that it was, going round and round as we crossed the Pennines and travelled through the Peak District. The view was breathtaking - too bad most of the passengers in the back of the bus were too busy throwing up to enjoy it. I was sitting with Zieha at the front of the bus, with Ana just behind me - which made for good conversation.

We reached Sheffield at about 8.45am, not getting too lost, Alhamdulillah. The games were scheduled to start a bit past 9am, with the opening ceremony by Dato Nazri Abd Aziz midway through, and the rest of the games scheduled after that. The netball team were Ana, Claire, Jas, myself, Zieha, Mas and Mei Chin, with Fani and Adniz from Warwick as our 'imported' players. The games were to be played in two pools, with the top two advancing to the next round. In our pool were Birmingham, Leicester, Thames Valley University, Sheffield A and Middlesex. First up was our game against Birmingham, which had to be rescheduled due to their late arrival. We met Leicester first.

Game by game report

Lancaster vs Leicester

Our first game, and some pre-game jitters were still evident. It was a clean, good game, but due to most of the play being in the midfield, there weren't too many chances for either team to score. By half time we were down 1-0. Not the best of starts. But luck was to be on our side. A more solid second half performance - better passing, more cohesion, good defending and slick attacking enabled us to beat score twice. Not the best of margins, but bring on Birmingham!

FINAL SCORE: Lancaster 2 Leicester 1

Lancaster vs Birmingham

Birmingham are an old nemesis - apparently we lost to them in the Quarters at Nottingham due to technical errors regarding the courts [ I didn't go to the Nottingham games, being that it was I was in Malaysia at that time]. I was quite apprehensive upon meeting them, but it turned out that this Birmingham team were not the team Lancaster met at the Nottingham games. They consisted of teenagers, and were easily creamed. We even substituted a few players at half time. Our confidence was high, our morale was boosted. There seemed to be positive prospects for our team advancing to the semis.

FINAL SCORE: Lancaster 12 Birmingham 0

Lancaster vs Sheffield A

Being the hosts, Sheffield sent two teams. We were in the pool with Sheffield A. Initially it was an intimidating prospect - facing the hosts - but as we did in the previous two games somehow there was cohesion in the team play. Everyone seemed to be playing really well - even I was amazed with myself. The smooth passing, smart gameplay and general calmness of the team again paved the way for another victory. Our defence, for two games in a row, was absolutely solid.

FINAL SCORE: Lancaster 6 Sheffield A 0

Lancaster vs Thames Valley University

Thames Valley, with Leicester, were both vying for second spot as it became clear that the odds were on for us to come off top of the group. So they were quite a threat, and after initially being dished out the Center bib, Ana looked at their team and quickly switched me to Wing Attack. The reason? Apparently Thames Valley's Wing Defence was well know for rough play, and Ana wanted someone who could handle the little tyrant.

And when she talked about rough play, she wasn't kidding. The WD basically did all sorts of dodgy tactics - from hugging me to stop me getting the ball to blatant, basic shirt pulling, not to mention continously barging into me. Time for the football skills to come into play. Everytime she back into me, I made sure she bounced OFF me. I was not going to let Short Stuff get the better of me.

If she thought she could employ football defence tactics on me, well, I thought I'd show her a few of mine as well. The play began with a ball that was sent over my head, but no one behind me was there to receive it. Instead of picking the ball up, I let it bounce from the midfield through to the goal where we were shooting - usually during a football game, for as long as there was no one in front of you, you would dribble the ball up the field.

Since dribbling is not allowed in netball, I thought I'd just let it bounce towards top court, shielding the ball with my body as I went. Little Nipper wasn't happy, and tried to get the ball off me. What happened next? Pure Latin American stuff. She was running fast. She gave me a little shove, perhaps even an accidental one. I took a bigger fall. With her speed, she barged into me and fell down on top of me. It looked like carnage to the on-lookers, for we were playing on hard tar, and any fall was hard. The umpire called a foul. I looked at her and gave a well meaning smile. The ball was in our court. Of course, we scored. Heh heh heh.

FINAL SCORE: Lancaster 4 Thames Valley 1

Lancaster vs Middlesex

At this point, we were clearly through. 4 wins out of 4. Middlesex, along with Birmingham, were being creamed all day. I was planning to sit out this game, and so was Claire, who was nursing two ankle injuries. But it wasn't to be. Middlesex upped and left by midday and we were given a walkover. Roll on the semis.

The semi finals were rather odd - they weren't really semi-finals; but we were to play both the two top teams of the other pool, and in a round-robin fashion, the champion would be determined. First up - old nemesis Notts.

Lancaster vs Notts

We had quite a long break before the Notts game, and the aches and pains were beginning to show. It was raining, heavily, and we were all soaking wet. The game began with a lot of touch and go.. not too many scoring chances, and again, at half time, we found ourselves 1-0 down. A few tactical changes were made at half time, and instead of my role as Center for one half, Wing Attack for the other - I found myself playing Center for the whole game. Adniz, I think, went off, and Fani came on for GK, with Claire as GD. Ana swapped from GD to GA.

Soon after the second half started, though, we found ourselves 2-0 down. My spirits were beginning to dip, but as a team, we were not going to take defeat easily. A few key interceptions and blocks, and we managed to score. 2-1, but still losing. A counter attack allowed the ball into our top half in a few easy moves, and suddenly it was 2-2. Game on!

But the clock was ticking, and Notts were attacking more forcefully. I found myself defending more than attacking at one point; and everyone and their grandma knows how crap I am at defence. A crucial mistake, though, by Nottingham - holding the ball for too long - allowed us to regain possession when the ball was in their top court. Utilising our midfield, we soon got the ball up to Ana and Zieha in the D. I could hear the clock ticking away. Would there be enough time for a shot at goal?

Ana took the first shot, but the ball refused to cooperate. It teased about going in, but didn't. Zieha managed to grab it and was close enough for a shot. I was praying the final whistle wouldn't blow. I could barely look at she made the shot. Then came the sweetest sounds of all - not that of the whistle, but that of a ball going through the net. A nice, resounding, swish! We were 3-2 up, after coming from being 2-0 behind.

We barely took the ball into the middle before the umpire whistled for end of play. I was ecstatic, jumping up and down like a football hooligan, and unashamedly clenched Ana into a victory hug, after which I quickly looked for Zieha to congratulate her. What a killer goal. What perfect timing. What a blast!

FINAL SCORE : Lancaster 3 Nottingham 2

Lancaster vs Leeds

Leicester had beated Leeds 10-1. We didn't want to lose to them, though, because we had gotten thus far undefeated, 6 wins out of 6. And as with the previous game, everything fell into place perfectly. The ball would find itself into the top D, and we would score. 4-0 up at half time, we managed to score a few more to ensure that we came out undefeated. But at the end of the game, there wasn't the usual jubilation, the usual victory hugs. More bemused smiles and sore acceptance. Something was not going quite right for the Lancaster team.

FINAL SCORE: Lancaster 9 Leeds 1

Final verdict: Lancaster ended up 2nd at Sheffield. How was that achieved, when we didn't lose one game at all? Ask the organisers. Since Lancaster and Leicester both ended up with two wins in the second phase, they decided on goal difference. And so, a team which we beat, and a team that recorded a loss and a draw, came out as champions. And the team who were unbeaten, 7 games out of 7, came out second best. Cruel justice.

The right thing to do, for me, was to pit us against Leicester. If we lost to them that second time, then I could accept being second best. But on that day we WERE the best. We BEAT the Leicester team. But we too were the team who left with silver instead of gold.

I am proud to have achieved something - a couple of wins, a couple of highs, a few bruises and a bandaged hand, to name but some. But every time I see that silver medal hanging in my room, I feel frustrated. The medal is right. The colour is wrong.

But as Muhammad Ali once said, "Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them: A desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill." And we had all that - speed, stamina, skill and will. And so in my eyes, my team were the champions.

Other reflections

Of course, some of you reading this would say, it was a small matter, a small, insignificant sports meet in which victory and defeat means almost nothing. Which is true, really. So why do I feel so strongly? Perhaps it is my competitive nature - I can take defeat when I am clearly beaten. But not when I was clearly the best.

And perhaps it was because it has been a long time for me since I played in competitive sports for real. Yes, I do play the odd game for the uni and a few for the college on a Sunday - but this time I was playing with my friends, whom I genuinely respect and have a good time with. So it meant a little bit more.

All in all, it will fade, this frustration. I am not walking around like some wounded tiger; and I am not lashing out at anybody. Externally, I'm pretty much the same person that I have been all this while

But as the emotions were still riding high, I thought this would be good journal writing stuff. Heh heh heh

Jejak Kasih

It was a reunion of some sort, for Zieha's friend Fani from Warwick, who was our [excellent] stand in GK/GD, was also one of my juniors when I was at STF. After providing Zieha with a quote which will now be used against me for quite a while, we got down to some serious reminiscing. It's always nice to see a familiar face, and even better if we get along.