Just got back from my meeting with Peter for this week. I have yet to settle on a specific topic; and for that I am most disturbed. I guess it has a lot to do with my own personal standards, as well as Peter's. I mean, we could very possibly do a simple UK replication of a prior US study; but Peter [and myself too] wants a thesis that will be publishable in the top journals. Which means finding something that is original, unique and provides a proper contribution to literature.

This automatically rules out any study of Malaysian corporate governance - while it is interesting, it does not warrant much addition to the existing literature. I am not looking to find the cure for AIDS, so to speak, but an equally profound study should be what I am aiming for. It is now March, almost. And yet, I am nowhere. The good thing is, so are most of the other people. The bad thing is - I don't want to be stuck at this point for any longer than I should be.

Perhaps some of my poor work ethics should also be highlighted. For one, even though I come into the office at 8.30am, I spend almost 1 hour or even 90 minutes on chatting to various people in various places. Proper work only starts at 10am. That should be cut out entirely. I leave the office at 5 or 6pm and do nothing for the rest of the day. That too, should be amended.

I think I've stirred up a hornet's nest with all this stuff about SBPs and MRSMs and how they rank in the SPM rankings. To be perfectly honest, the entry wasn't a plug for how good my school is. Because, let's face it, I've been there and I know it isn't all it's cracked up to be. Believe it or not, during my SPM year, we managed to break a record of major proportions by not getting a 100% SPM pass; not that I hold anything against anybody.

But yeah, I did gloat a bit since we were a bit higher in the rankings than TKC and SSP; but that's just sibling rivalry, I think. On some years they gloat at me, on others I gloat at them. Funny stuff, really, because we had nothing to do with the achievement - so where really was our right to gloat? But it's a long-lived rivalry tradition - and it exists in many things - school bands, debate competitions, whatever really, for which there are clear rankings.

As for the MRSM issue - well, for starters I will not take away anything from them for their achievements. For the past 5-6 years, they have come out tops in the REAL rankings. It's just that the PKP MRSMs - for which only students with all A's at PMR level can enter - are much talked about. Fair play, they are good schools. But so are other MRSMs who achieve comparable results to them, and these other MRSMs work with the second or third smartest group of post-PMR students. Might I also add, that the cream post-UPSR have already been taken by the SBPs?

And my feeling is, these other MRSMs should also be spotlighted, because they got grade B milk with which they made grade A cheese, where as the PKPs got grade A milk, which, usually, although not always, is easier to mold into grade A cheese. So while the nation pats the backs of MRSMs Langkawi, Taiping, Jasin and Pengkalan Chepa, MRSMs Kuala Terengganu, Kuantan, Muar - to name a few - should also be highlighted for their achievements as well.

In the same vein that schools like Sultanah Asma School in Alor Setar, King George V School in Seremban and Aminuddin Baki KL should also be given a lot of recognition [and due reward, perhaps] because they have even more dodgy milk with which they tried to mold into top grade cheese. It's easier for SBPs and normal MRSMs to get good grades because they already have the cream post-UPSR, easier for MRSM PKPs because they get the cream post-PMR, but not such an easy ride for all the day schools, because the maverick few can upset the whole equation.

Watched Chicago tonight. I have never been into musicals - was never very cultured, you see - but couldn't resist the curiosity, having seen the award nominations this film has garnered.

Verdict: Musicals are watchable - but I do prefer people talking rather than singing and dancing. They remind me too much of Hindi movies. On the movie itself - it's a classic. What can I say? The storyline is light but I thought it was clever the way the musical segments interplayed with the scenes in the movie, and how each told a story. Or is that how musicals work?

I was going to talk about something else entirely today, but then I realised the SPM results are out. Officially, on the SBP list, we are ranked 4th. Overall, if we were to include all schools - private and MRSM - we are ranked 7th.Which is still okay, since we beat TKC and SSP... hehehe.

Okay, so perhaps I am gloating. But it's always been this way, really, for most students of an SBP or boarding schools. Even as you grow up and older, you tend to always, always look out for how your school does in the SPM rankings. School pride lives on. And for me, it's always good when we are ahead of our two bitter rivals - SSP and TKC. Not to say that we are really bitter rivals.. I've found that post-high school, most of my good friends come from these schools. Perhaps it's because we share a common background, or perhaps it's just me.. heheh.

And surprisingly, only one boy's school made it onto the list - SAS, long alleged to be the school that gets the questions, but never proven. Perhaps just random rumours to quell the frustration of the other schools. STAR and SDAR nowhere in the top 10 of SBPs, surprisingly, although MCKK's absence is no longer of much query. It's sad to see a longstanding institution of good calibre be faced with bad results year in year out - perhaps the Old Boys should stop making the school take in their substandard children.

STF's results are impressive to a certain extent - Maths got 100% all 1A, and 134/149 students got 1A for Add Maths. That is, of course, testimony to how good the rote learning system is, I think. I've long been a strong opponent to rote learning and memorising; but at the end of the day, it is that which gets the results which people want and matters in getting further ahead in the education system.

I've also been quite sceptical about MRSM results - especially those of the Taiping, Jasin, Langkawi and Pengkalan Chepa varieties. Not of out spite, but because they only take in students with all A's at PMR level; which means they've got an easier job nurturing a set of already smart students. Other MRSMs and SBPs don't have it so easy because they get a more motley group of students, albeit also good ones; and thus the results better reflect the school's efforts.

And as for Kolej Yayasan Saad, who had the massive number of 50 students taking the SPM this year.. well.. your sample size isn't good enough to warrant a generalisation, me thinks. No insult, however, to the achievement - well done. Just to call them THE top school; well.. not quite yet. Although it does shed the image of the school being that of posh people only.

Spent, or perhaps, to be a bit harsh, wasted 3/4 of my working day going to Manchester yesterday. There were two meetings I was expected to attend: the first being one with the TNB people, and the other with Noh Omar, a YB who also happens to be the Parliamentary Secretary at the Prime Minister's Department. Since I was expected at the first, I thought I'd better show up as well for the second.

The gist of the presentation? To inform us that there was a clause in sponsorship contracts which disallowed students from being involved with political societies that were not registered with the Malaysian Students Department; and to inform us that Hizbi, a long-standing, Islamic, PAS-supported group was officially banned; and Kelab Umno - another long-standing, pro-government but allegedly apolitical society was 'okay'.

This raised some concern among those in the audience - for it smacked of double standards; quite rightly so and a few people did speak up. I mean, if a club shares the moniker of a political party, but claims no affiliation; well.. it does sound a bit dodgy. I thought the issue wasn't addressed very well though, by the speaker. He kept dodging the question; avoiding the main issue and instead chose to harp on and on about other, relatively minor, talking points.

As one attendee pointed out, it was an open secret that Kelab Umno too, had political connotations - and should also not be allowed as a registered society in the same vein as Hizbi. To which the response was - join Hizbi or PAS if you want; just surrender your scholarship. Which, to me, meant that the government would only sponsor those who appeared to support it; or perhaps, appeared not to support the opposition.

On campus, we have clubs that support the aspirations of various political parties - the Conservatives, Labour, even the Green Party is well represented. And yet, I have not heard of the British government withdrawing loans given to their students. If only students who do not support the opposition be given scholarships, then wouldn't it be fair too, that those who are pro-opposition stop paying taxes? After all, it is all taxpayer's money - those who voted for and against the ruling government - that make it possible for students to be sent abroad.

A possible solution, from my point of view, to alleaviate the attention of people declaring the government practising double standards, is to rename Kelab Umno with something else. Since it was mooted that the basis of Kelab Umno was people who 'appreciated the struggle of Umno that has positioned us where we are today', it could be renamed Kelab Penyokong Kerajaan, the Backbencher's Club or some other, less offending and less political name.

I do not totally disagree with what was said; after all, we shouldn't bite the hand that feeds us. But I thought the message was delivered poorly. The issues that concerned the audience were not addressed, and the delivery was harsh, patriachal and demeaning. Instead of instilling a feeling of national pride, I got the impression that more left feeling exasperasted and perhaps more rebellious.. with more questions than answers. Perhaps a different person with more diplomacy could have handled the issue - which was sensitive - in a more tolerable, less autocratical manner. All in all, I think, mission failed.

Another interesting anecdote

I was speaking to one of the "VIPs" , who also was the mother of one of my high-school seniors, and who knew me personally. As we were deep in conversation, a bloke, who was the person in charge of taking care of said VIP, came over, looked at me with distaste and asked ' What's the problem?' To which I answered, ' Nothing.. just talking.'

He wasn't happy with my answer, and it wasn't until the VIP herself told him that I was her daughter's friend whom managed to secure a UK scholarship for my PhD, did he relent, smiled a little and looked a bit sheepish.

Funny. What was his problem? Did I, of no lineage, and perhaps of no social standing, not have the right to speak to said VIP? For the record, she did acknowledge me when she saw me first, bending over the registration table signing myself in.

I know I've done a bit of a plug on life at Lancaster last week.. perhaps it's time to balance things out by spelling the down side of living abroad. I thought I'd tell everyone this later, but today might just be a good day; the piece that I wrote last week was for SCAN, which is the student newspaper here at Lancaster. So really, I thought I'd say nice things about living here as the article is my first. If I get the chance to write some more, perhaps more gripe could be added into the aggression.

Racism is something I talked about previously - and I did go on a bit about how I haven't been subject to racist abuse since I arrived here. As an adult, that is. As a child, schooling at Gilesgate Junior School in Durham in the 1980's, phrases like 'Stupid Paki' [not that I was of Indian descent], 'Blackie' and 'Coloured', 'Smelly Blacks' [althought I was perhaps the ONLY student in the whole class who showered EVERY morning before school!] were part and parcel of the abuse hurled at me on the playground. I spent four years schooling here, and I had no British friend whom I can refer to as a 'friend'.

To them I was different, and children can be cruel when they want to be, because they say things as they see them; and often, as a reflection of what their parents said. I remember being made fun of because Asians tend to have relatively prominent facial hair due to their darker hair colouring - I knew Brits with moustaches at 8 years old; only they were blonde and it didn't show; and I remember a very nice boy in the year above me called Graham who defended me. In the end, instead of retaliating, I showed them that I was smarter than they were, better at football than most of them were and could do most things with a computer that they could only dream of. It did not, in any way, endear me to any of them, but at least I managed to recover my self esteem.

I remember having Libyan friends, who were quite scared to go anywhere when Margaret Thatcher decided to attack Libya. Not very different from life as a Muslim these days, apparently. Yes, people leave us alone. That's because they have to, otherwise they will be hauled up and be given quite serious reprimands. No drunk has ever thrown a bottle at me; that's because I tend to be indoors when the drunks come out from the pubs. If I were the clubbing, party-going type, I'd probably have a different story to tell. The general sentiment I get is that people here are happy for international students to come because we have to pay a lot more; and thus will result in cash flow for them; but that's where it ends. People want us to go home as quickly as possible, and not reduce their odds of getting a proper job.

I play sports for the university, but I don't really have teammates whom I can hold a proper conversation with. I mean, I don't drink, I don't do bar crawls, I don't go out to clubs - because that's not the way of my people and my religion - ; where are the opportunities for me to socialise with these people? Things were a bit different when I was doing my Masters - I had two British mates, Paul and Ben. Ben was always happy to go to the movies with me; and we talked a lot about cultural differences. He, being an atheist, could never understand the restrictions of faith, but he was also happy to leave things at that. We got along for other reasons as well - perhaps for him, to pick my brain? Okay, an unfair statement, I know. He was a superb pal; made it tolerable for me to be here when things got icky.

When I say people are not racist, it means they are aware we are different, but I guess they can leave it at that. I think deep down inside we are all racists. Even a teeny weeny bit, but we are, really.

Sometimes I try to show these people that with [or to some, despite of] my faith, I can be sociable and can mix. Just perhaps, in different ways. But they already have stereotypes of what Muslims are like; they think of people like me as the minority and not the majority. Their minds have been so muddled with CNN propaganda that they find it hard to believe Islam promotes life-long learning and female rights. To them our way of dressing signals oppression and not liberalisation, as we feel. They feel a need to 'save us'; where as we are happy as we are. I mean, I don't have to worry about bad hair days or about people judging me for what I look like. I will only have sex with my husband for the rest of my life - how beautiful and sanctimonious would that be, for me? I am his and he is mine alone. Better than having gone round the block, not quite sure whose child it is one is carrying.

The thing is, people want to see Islam in a bad light. It's an easy way out for them, having a scapegoat and not really having to think about the realities of life. It's easier to blame a certain group of people, disassociate and perhaps, then, find a warped sense of justification.

But at the end of all that, it is here that I've found peace with myself. Maybe my liberal views and relatively free spirit wasn't suited for Malaysia or maybe the worst chapters of my life happened when I was back home. Perhaps that's why I feel more at home here. I can't begin to theorise why I feel like this, but I do. I feel appreciated, I feel acknowledged, and even if it is due to political correctness, people treat me as an equal. Which is more than what I felt like after what I went through last year. Wallahu'alam.

Adegan Mencari Rumah

Sepertimana yang telah dikhabarkan, we were out and about looking for an alternative place to stay this week. And today, we met up with Trevor the Landlord to hand over the deposit and basically sort out the details of the new place. I've been in two minds about moving off campus. For one thing, I will miss the times spent hanging out at Popeye's at night; and all the other social things we tend to get up to. I've also grown to like having a study-bedroom with en-suite facilities.. nice, cosy and most importantly, mine! Also, what if I get left behind at home all alone at night? I haven't sufficiently recovered from Muadzam properly yet.

But having said that, this new place is on the direct bus route; which means the university really is within reach in 10 minutes, tops. And if I felt like hanging out, there is nothing to stop me from staying over once in a while. If Syitah and Kak Eda are both out of the house, there's nothing stopping me going on campus for a bit; or getting someone to stay over. The new house also offers me my own bedroom and personal space; and - it is a lot more cheaper, and we get better television reception, and even the rooms are bigger!

So ultimately, I am confident it is a move for the best.

Dikir Barat

The actual Dikir Barat performance is looming on the horizon. 28 February is D-Day, and perhaps after that, I will have more free nights. As it is, my Wednesday and Saturday nights are all taken up by rehearsals. Monday is my only real free day, because I've got training on Tuesday and Thursday - which means I would be too exhausted for anything else but vegetation ex-post. Friday nights are technically free, but after a full day at the office, I'm inclined to just chill in front of the telly more than anything else.

Work work work

I've taken on some research assistance work - helping out Aneel and Steve with some work on share repurchases. Basically they need me to sift out and record dates of interim and final announcements for a set of companies, based on information from the RNS - which is the London Stock Exchange news service. The work pays well - in the past the rate has been between £8 - £10 an hour; but it is menial and reptitive, which means it can get boring very quickly. Which is what I have been doing all weekend - sifting through printouts, websites and data on CD-ROM. It has taken up my whole weekend - and I'm nowhere near finished; not good, because I was really looking forward to pre-recuperate for the very busy week ahead.

For a friend