Tengah tengok results bola sambil-sambil update weblog petang ni. Yang jelas, Boro seri dengan Liverpool kat Anfield; and Preston North End kalahkan Millwall 2-1. Man Utd lawan Man City esok ; a revenge derby of sorts since United lost 3-1 at Maine Road earlier this season.

Malam ni takde dikir barat; instead we are going out to catch 2 Weeks Notice at the Regal Cinema (formerly known as the ABC Cinema) in Lancaster. For sure aku ngan Ana akan keluar awal sikit sebab nak makan Indian food kat Moghul's. The first night in weeks that I am free on a Saturday night - and I get to miss Ant and Dec again!

Entry ini, saya tujukan khas buat orang-orang Lancaster yang sudi membaca weblog saya yang tak seberapa ini, dengan ucapan - 'Row row row your boat.. gently down the stream.... '

Inilah dia sampan saya ye kawan-kawan..

Last night, before I went to bed, I wanted to be able to wake up this morning and feel as if all that bugged me yesterday was just a flash in the pan; that I would see it as some nonsensical rant that I tend to go through sometimes; and that today I could laugh it off. No such luck, though. I guess when it comes to matters between me and the establishment I used to work for, things very easily hit raw nerves. Perhaps coming from years of abuse and being taken for granted, and the looming spectre of RM156,000 hanging over my head should I choose to quit.

Just finished watching Pretty Woman on ITV1; one of those movies that forms part of my STF zeitgeist. It was the most talked about movie when I started STF in 1990 - so much so that I parted with RM1 to watch a very bad video copy of the movie in the Co-op Video Room despite having no idea who Julia Roberts or Richard Gere were. To be frightfully truthful, I have never seen the movie in its entirety until tonight. But it still owns a repertoir of brilliant songs on its soundtrack that still acts as my own personal collection of songs to remember 1990 by - It Must Have Been Love (Roxette), King of Wishful Thinking (Go West) and the classic Fallen.

One of my favourite quotes from the movie :
Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?

Went to Preston today; me, stuffed nose, chapped lips and all. Part of it was preplanned, the other pretty impulsive - needed to walk the disbelief of the news I received this morning out of my system. Still can't believe they are trying to withhold what I rightfully and respectfully earned; hey - who braved the early mornings driving through not one, not two but three states every Monday and back again every Friday just to make somebody's political aspirations come true? Who had to live out of a car for four bloody months just because some people find it easier to relocate the blame rather than solve the problem? I should be getting double pay just for acting like life was normal when everything was so screwed up, never mind going through the motions. Is what they are doing even legal?

Never mind. Forget it - the more I dwell on it, the more the anger manifests and that's never any good. Point is; if you're wondering how I've become bitter, hardened and wary, well, here's part of the answer. Lagipun, ramai lagi orang yang kurang bernasib baik kalau compare dengan aku. At least aku boleh hidup dan makan kat sini tak usik duit kat Malaysia; at least aku ada peluang untuk escape dari Muadzam; at least aku ada rezeki nak dapat study kat sini. Kita ni kadang-kadang, asyik terfikir nasib malang yang timpa kita sampai terlupa nikmat-nikmat lain yang Allah kurniakan. Memang betul ; the bad's stuff is just easier, kan?

Khabar yang baru aku terima - walaupun semua colleagues aku dah dapat bonus, kami bertiga yang dapat alternative funding di UK ni tak dicreditkan wang bonus sebab diorang nak bagi "bila kitorang dah balik nanti". Funny. Masa buat Masters dulu takde plak hal cam ni. Even from thousands of miles away, they are still screwing me.

Sayang sungguh aku kat diorang. Takpelah. You can keep your money. Kemahuan aku untuk balik dan serve semakin berkurangan.

Baru settle sebahagian daripada website intranet department aku yang aku tolong bangunkan; kerja berbayar yang juga merupakan stress relief therapy.. hehe. Tadi aku tunjuk rangka website tu pada Martien, department aku nyer IT rep (and bekas lecturer aku). Nampaknya dia berpuas hati; begitu juga dengan Peter, HOD merangkap supervisor aku. Cuak gak aku nak buat lawa-lawa website tu, karang bising plak supervisor aku - buat kerja lain boleh, kerja PhD tak jalan.

Tapi tadi aku ada meeting dengan dia; all went well - we all dah dapat narrow down what we want to do so mission aku dalam pada masa sekarang ni ialah trying to determine the framework of corporate governance as a whole; and then decide apa relevant performance measures. Once we can define how to measure corporate governance performance - then banyak la kitorang boleh buat nanti.

Hidungku aku, aku rasa dah hilang. Tak dapat rasa kewujudan dia. Bernafas sekarang pun ternganga-nganga. Setelah sekian lama aku bergaduh dengan antibodi badan aku, aku rasa aku dah tewas sikit. Selsema sudah terasa; walaupun takde demam dan so far takde batuk.

Cuaca seminggu dua ni tak menentu - semua orang dah terjelepuk at one point or another. Alhamdulillah dah banyak hari aku gagah ga; sudah sampai masa untuk aku tewas, dan sedikit sebanyak menerima peringatan dari Allah tentang dosa dan pahala aku yang sentiasa tak seimbang tu.

Just today ada extreme wind and snow - banyak kali la jugak snow turun tapi cepat juga cairnya sebab matahari keluar. Tadi ingatkan nak main snow; jumpa Jiden dengan Dy kat STA - tunggu Dy beli tiket, langsung dah cair snow nyer! Tapi ada la sikit-sikit lagi - kitorang perang saudara kat depan Cartmel. Entah camne ntah, sambil baling-baling snowball tu, terbaling kereta and the alarm went off. Muka sadin ajer lah bergerak dari tempat kejadian, seolah-olah tak bersalah.

Cerita-cerita pasal snow ni, aku SMS dengan Abe di Malaysia. Mulanya, Abe bertanya tentang game United vs Birm esok. Pastu aku SMS dia:

Aku Wey sini snow cam tak ingat. Heh heh heh
Abe: Patutla terasa sejuk kat sini.
Aku: Aku sejuk-sejuk main salji. Ko sejuk-sejuk gi main air bilik mandi ajerlah.
Abe: Aku tak heranlah. Aku tengah buat snowman
Aku: Ko buat snowman dalam peti ais sape?
Abe: Peti ais ketua warden.

It is snowing heavily. Too windy though, for any to stick. Makes a nice viewing change from my window, though.

If you look really, really hard and use a LOT of imagination, you may just see the snowflakes out of my window!

Weekend aku this week rasa cam banyak hari ajer. Dari petang Khamis memang tergolek.. langsung tak jalan kerja; pagi ada tutorial kelas Iman and Syed. Petang tu balik bilik ajer rehat. Malam ada majlis Yassin seperti biasa.

Jumaat pagi aku masuk ofis sekejap - serious sekarang kurang betul mood nak ke office, rasa macam buat kerja kat bilik jauh lebih produktif - so aku jenguk sekejap-sekejap ajer office sekarang. Petang Jumaat ada meeting di LUSU, lepas tu menempel di Bardsea sampai lewat la jugak; balik dari Bardsea snow turun rupanya! Susah jugak snow nak turun dan lekat di tanah di Lancaster ni; jadi seronok jugak tengok. By Saturday morning takde dah semua. Rasanya hujan kot malam tu; jadi cair semua snow.

Sabtu - initial planning nak gi bandar, tapi digantirugi oleh pergi ke Asda sebelah petangnya. Suami Mas, Roslee, datang dari Glasgow jadi dapat tumpang kereta nak ke Asda. Bila tahu ada kereta, memang shopping agak kurang ingat sedikit.. beli lebih.. beras, biskut, juice ; perkara-perkara yang aku for sure fikir 2-3 kali untuk angkut kalau ke bandar naik bas. Tinggal duvet ngan bantal ajer aku tak beli...

Since tak keluar bandar pagi Sabtu tu, I spent it by watching a movie - Riding in Cars with Boys. Not a bad story; about how things can go very wrong and still turn out right in the end. Plot dia berbentuk 'kemanusiaan' (cara abah aku describe cerita Hindustan); main premise was the human connection, about our parents and us as children and when we grow up and become parents ourselves.

Malam Sabtu ada praktis dikir barat. Aku tak tahulah kenapa, mood memang kurang yang amat masa praktis tu, tanpa sebab yang jelas dan nyata. Penat aku fikir kenapa. Nak nyanyi pun tak semangat; even though dah ada kompang lengkap dah semua. Nak tak nak aku usaha gak cari mood - ok sikit towards the end of the practise; kurang-kurangnya keluar la jugak suara. InsyaAllah aku ceria sikit kot Rabu depan ek Ana ek...

Tiga empat hari ni buntu sikit; seolah-olah ada kekalutan yang aku tak berapa tahu apa benda yang kalut tu. Or, most probably, aku sebenarnya tahu apa puncanya, tapi seperti biasa hidup in denial dan tak nak acknowledge sebab musababnya. Rasa macam hari ni dah okay sikit - sebab bila aku dah berfikir panjang ni lambat laun aku akan terima hakikat punca tersebut; dan kesimpulannya sekarang aku rasa I need to think a bit, although most of it has been figured out. I need to realign my compass and set out my priorities straight - I know why I am here, and what I have to do here. I can't afford distractions.

Aku selalu gak terpikir, sampainya aku balik ke UK ni nasib ke sebenarnya? Macam tak percaya Lancaster University nak bagi aku scholarship untuk study kat sini. Masa diorang bagi aku distinction for Masters aku tu, aku selalu gak terfikir; diorang bagi sebab terpaksa kot; sebab aku PhD candidate and aku akan balik ke Malaysia, secure funding and datang sini buat PhD; hence secara tak langsung diorang dapat secure future funds melalui aku.

Tapi bila aku nyer funding plans dari Malaysia fell through; and then Lancaster yang offer scholarship - meaning dia yang akan bayar everything, as in - aku datang belajar tempat dia and dia akan bayar aku untuk belajar guna duit dia.. well.. aku mulai sedikit yakin bahawa distinction yang diorang bagi kat aku tu takdelah a big joke.

So aku kena sedar - aku datang sini orang bayar untuk belajar. Kalau asyik main-main, kalau asyik ikut perasaan - macam mana dengan amanah dan duit yang aku dapat tu? Takkan nak amik ajer duit orang, beli itu beli ini, makan itu makan ini; belajarnya tidak? Kadang-kadang bila kita dah senang, kita lupa pasal orang yang perit cari duit nak make sure ends meet and get an education as well.